I Love My Home

Sup,
I've been meaning to update my blog since last week, but I've been spending more time on my webcam, Myspace and on Blackplanet (a mostly conservative website for "black" people to socialize and network). I've also been spending a nice chunk of my time working. I HATE IT. I don't mind some physical activity at work... sometimes its necessary to get things done. But working as Pharmtech is not for me. I can't be creative... I can't directly help anyone... albeit I did try to counsel this one lady who claimed her bf or husband was going to be the death of her. She also had a punked out lesbian daughter. No, I'm not passing judgment... the 17 year-old told me (sticks out tongue playfully).
Anyway, when I'm not working as a crisis intervention worker, I'm filling new prescriptions and refills, as well as running for the meds. I hate standing on my feet for 8 hours and being bored. Sometimes I may get to sit on a stool. I'm confined to a 3by 18 foot space and I don't like it. I keep thinking how did I get to this place. How can someone who has gone through so much sh!t in their life and strive to be the best end up in my circumstance. How can a family (my own) be so talented, so vibrant, so damn blessed, and still be in our situation. I'm tired of the b.s. I have prayed for things to be better and now I want some action.
I've had patients ask me how long did I have to go to school to become a pharmtech... I keep wondering if they would ask the same question if I wasn't working there. I mean there are like 2-3 other techs working at the same time. The full time cashier does a fraction of the stuff I do, so why didn't they ask her. She was working that store a couple of months before I came on.
Grr, then there is the lone tech... she does awkward sh!t. Everyone talks about her, but I try to be level-headed and open up to her. She is such a b!tch. I speak to her and I barely get a hello. Did I ever mention... I don't like anti-social people. Especially when they make it hard to be nice. That dipsh!t ought to be glad someone was being nice to her. I'm not going to sweat it... she can take her crazy a$$ and keep to herself... she will be one b!tch I won't miss when I quit.
WOW!?! Even to type the word "quit" makes me sick. I've only openly quit a job twice. Thats two times in 13 years. I hate to quit anything!! But I must concede.. this job does not take advantage of my talents. And although it pays more than my last gig, i'm not being paid my worth. I need to be making at least twice the amount I owe in college loans. If I don't have that... I'm not breaking even. If I'm not using my talents... I'm not happy. If I'm not happy, I get depressed and awfully b!tchy. And I'm such a cool person... b!tchy should not even be an adjective to describe any mood I'm in.
Love: Last week I was in Philly to do some volunteer work with a national t.v. station. My g-friend (the one from the love triangle couple) had wanted me to come visit her, but I was volunteering. I did however, meet up with my ex, John. He and his good friend Dev took me to the movies that Sunday. As a matter-of-fact, Dev drove me from Philly to home. I dropped my things off at the crib, then we jetted. I had wanted to see "Perfect Stranger" The H. Berry and B. Willis flick. Ultimately, we saw GrindHouse. A Terantino movie (I forgot the other producer's name). The movie was very, very, very different (it has a wild a$$ theme) and it was ultra long. Would I see it again? At home.
When I told my friend that I had seen my ex, she wanted to know if I had an encounter with him. WOW, I knew she was going to ask, but damn, she didn't have to get jealous about it. Nothing happened though. We played arcade games for an hour (the movie started at 9pm), I got a massage from Dev while playing a racing game. To-Be-Continued.

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First, do you like the color of my blog? It was the dark and drab color, I thought it would be fitting to switch things up since I hadn't changed much since I began my blog (two years in November by the way).
I am back to work... limited hours of course, I am going to make a formal complaint against this tyranny (did I use that word out of context? I can be such an air-head sometimes). I am supposed to work later this afternoon... if all goes well, I will be there.


Last night/early this morning, I spoke to Adam, I was not happy with him. Day before yesterday, I spoke to him and he said he would call me back. He never did. Yesterday he called me for like two minutes and then told me he would call me in one minute... I didn't speak to him until several hours later. I was a little teed... you start off full of steam and then just back off. I had feared we had been talking to one another way too much (everyday for hours at a time).


I left him a message saying I wasn't in the mood and that I was "done". I was ready to throw in the towel... I don't have time to play relationship games... especially given the circumstances in which I met him. When he finally called me back last night/early this morning... he kept asking me what was wrong. All I said was, "actions speak louder than words."
You see Adam keeps telling me how cool I am and that it was so unexpected for him to run into a person like me and that he was glad he had. He asked me what did I mean by that phrase and I told him to think about it. At the very same moment, I was practically doubled over in abdominal pain. I told him to hold on... I made a B-line for the bathroom.

When I returned to the phone, I reminded him that early on in our telephone venture, I told him that when I am in a relationship (although we are not in one) that I like to have my time and that I want consistency. He told me to say no more because while I had him hold he took the time to think about putting the shoe on the other foot and he admitted he would feel awkward if I had done the same to him. He then apologized for being insensitive.


What happened next was unexpected... he confessed that he was falling for me. At first we was like if we continue the way we are going, I can see this turning into love... then he stopped he told me he didn't want to startle me. I told him to say what he wants to say, that I wasn't going to laugh or be judgmental... I would just listen. Thats when he said he was falling for me. He really really likes my personality and he thought I was cute.
I told him about my fears... although he does not fit the "type" of guy I go for... I've put my relationship woes in Gods hands to work out and what's going to happen, is going to happen. I also told him that I am concerned about where things would leave us, if we met face to face and we did not feel the same way prior to us meeting. He told me regardless of whatever, he would want to be my friend.

We then got to talking about some other personal issues... like homelessness, struggles, goals, and the future. Afterward he told me thank you for opening up to him.
I actually felt better after our talk because before then, I was standoffish and he could tell. Ahh in other love life news...

I received an email from John telling me to call him. That was about 4-5 days ago. I finally called him last night, but all I got was the answering service. I'm not sure what to do about him.

What I do know is I am empowering myself to be a better person and to readying myself for all the blessings God is about to bestow upon me. I am thankful and I give thanks every day of my life. With each day I am blessed to walk this earth... comes new hope of living happily and at peace.

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Poverty Rate

1960 - 50%
2003 - 5 % - 1.3 millions living under poverty line

Our government is very successful on reducing poverty?
Again, a number is just a number until you put meaning on it!

Poverty Income Line

Family of 5 (Dad, Mum, 3 Children)
- A household that earn less than RM 550 per month consider poor
- Means RM 110 per person per month consider poor.
- = monthly salary is RM 150 / people, you are considering rich in Malaysia!

HAHA, YOU ARE RICH OR POOR?

An ice water in Asia Café is RM 0.50 now. With this rate (<=RM110/person/month) we still got 5 % , 1.3 millions Malaysia living under poverty, how success is our government ?

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Februari.. Bulan penuh Cintaaaaa….

Norak banget sih judulnya, ya biarlah.. toh hak untuk merayakan cinta itu dimiliki semua orang tanpa kenal usia, status, jenis kelamin, pekerjaan, pendidikan, agama n etc.. Sebagai penggemar cinta dengan berbagai pengertiannya, manusia mencari cinta dengan segenap kekuatan, jiwa, waktu dan apa yang ada padanya. Tapi kenapa walau udah punya cinta tetap aja masih ada orang yang mencari cinta lagi ya ?

Kalau cinta sudah ga cukup lagi buat memenuhi relung jiwa, apa lagi yang bisa digunakan buat mengisinya.. Kasihan bener manusia yang sampai habis nyawanya ga menemukan cinta.. Apa karena dia ga tahu yang dicari itu seperti apa ya ?

Karena teori dan pengertian cinta itu berbeda untuk setiap orangnya, aku ga bisa pakai pengertian cinta ala Khalil Gibran.. aku ga akan membiarkan cinta membunuhku dengan sayap-sayapnya, non sense.. Ntar aku tuntut secara pidana dan aku tahu orang yang aku cintai ga akan pernah berniat melukaiku dengan pedangnya.. Dia kan bukan Kapiten yang mempunyai pedang panjang.. (ups.. jgn dikembangkan ke arah laennya hehehehee)

Aku juga walau punya hari ulang tahun yang sama dengan Simone de Beauvoir ga akan bersedia memberikan seluruh hidupku untuk dieksploitasi atas nama cinta.. Ada undang-undang yang melindungiku dari eksploitasi yang merugikan dan berdampak buruk untuk masa depanku.. No darling, if we wants together forever, you n I must try n learn more hard to luv each other.. you wouldn’t exploited the woman that u cant live without.. gedabruk… kalau cowok aku palingan bilangan.. ehmm.. masak sih ? huehehehe

Hari gini mana ada cinta – cinta kayak mereka dulu yaa.. kalau kenalan ama cowok pasti yang cewek ngeliat masa depan dulu.. go to hell buat cowok yang masih belum bisa mandiri, makan dari beasiswa ortu tapi mo coba-coba bercinta dan menikah.. Elu urus diri belum bisa mo urus orang lain.. Dan dari hampir semua cowok yang pernah bicara mengenai cinta denganku selalu bilang ‘non sense itu cowok kalau ga ngeliat fisik cewek buat pacar or istrinya..’ so who said the luv is blind ? hare genee..

Duh, mungkin para anak-anak dan abege zaman sekarang harus disadarkan, kalau cinta versi Snow White, cinta putih, cinta Beauty and the Best, cinta apapun itu sebenarnya hanya berupa ilusi sesaat, screen saver doang, efek hormon feromon dan testosteron yang berlebihan ..

Aku paling suka pas Valentine nonton Pretty Woman, uuh cerita Cinderella masa kini, ketika seorang yang mendapatkan cinta sejati… Buat para ladies, girls dan para cewek dimanapun berada.. jangan lupa yaa, point terpenting yang dilihat Richard Gere dari seorang Julia Robert.. body boooo… cakep.. jadi didandanin n pake apapun langsung cakep.. iya sih diawal dia cuma nanya arah doang, n itu cuma kesempatan buat ketemu.. sama kayak kalau ketemu cowok baru tapi kalau dia bau badan kan ga interest juga kale.. no..no… it just kebetulan, kemudian setelah kenal barulah sang Richard Gere menyadari tuh Julia senyumnya cakeps.. bodynya gitar spanyol. lalu dia kenal n ternyata pribadinya menawan..

Jadi aku pikir cinta itu lebih dari sekedar ungkapan penuh makna, syair-syair indah, puisi or sms or email romantis, lebih dari sekedar doa dan perbuatan yang menyenangkan saja, lebih dari sekedar komitmen..

Cinta itu buatku sama seperti makanan, udara, pekerjaan, pendidikan, pelayanan, persahabatan, keluarga.. aku ga mau hidup dan mungkin ga bisa hidup kalau itu ga ada.. Or kalaupun aku terpaksa hidup tanpanya, mungkin kayak komputer tanpa harddisk, seperti rumah tanpa pondasi, kayak bayi yang bergizi buruk, kayak keluarga tanpa anak, seperti bekerja pada majikan India galak dan ga bayar gaji, entahlah..

Realistis aja buat mengartikan cinta, cinta itu ada, cinta itu indah, cinta itu pengorbanan, cinta itu bayar harga, cinta itu anugerah, cinta itu perjuangan, cinta itu cerdas, n blablabla..

Aku ga bisa mengartikan cinta secara abstrak, sampai sekarang aku ga ngerti kenapa cinta dirayakan secara khusus dengan coklat dan bunga.. Ga keren, aku lebih tertarik diberi hadiah Valentine kamera DSLR hehehehe..

Sepanjang aku hidup belum pernah tuh secara khusus merayakan Valentine kayak di roman-roman, novel-novel, sinetron-sinetron, film-film like dapat coklat apalagi bunga.. mau tahu rasanya gimana ? oh jangan salah, biasa-biasa aja tuuuh ;p

Selamat Valentine, selamat merayakan cinta..
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